Shame

The initial fragmentation.

Shame has followed me my entire life. I think the first time I experienced shame was in the womb. My mom was young, the neighborhood she lived in was judgmental. Her parents were a product of their environment. For Albanians, and I’d wager for most people from the Balkans, the word shame is used frequently. It’s how children are raised. To be ashamed is how children are taught to be good - you wouldn’t want to bring shame to your family, would you?

And so, I became ashamed. Which is different from guilt. To feel guilt is I did wrong, to feel shame is I am wrong.

You can’t outthink shame. You are obligated to feel it through, to sit through the sensations, to acclimate yourself to them.

Did you know babies can feel shame as early as 15 months?

When babies or children experience firsthand or secondhand fear, physical pain, emotional pain, shaming, rejection, etc from their parents/caregivers, and is unresolved, it results in a trauma. Their nervous system senses a threat to their survival. Their caregivers are their only means of survival. Children are not able to cognitively think through these overwhelming emotions yet. Their tiny cute brains try to find a way to make sense of it, even though they aren’t developed enough to do much more. We are primed for survival, and at that age we working on autopilot.

And so, the trauma response is born. And so, the inner critic’s tape of horrors starts playing.

The inner critic is alive and well, trying to keep us alive and well…

Trying.

I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I can’t think.

I have to go, I have to disappear, I have to think.

Did you know babies can feel shame as early as 15 months?

My chest is tight, my throat is closing, my skin feels hot, my skin feels cold.

I’m collapsing, I’m crumbling right here, I’m being incinerated.

I have to run, I have to merge, I have to fight.

Who?

How could I be so stupid?

Why couldn’t I have done better?

It’s always been like this. It’s always hurt this much.

Did you know babies can feel shame as early as 15 months?

And then time slows down.

I have to stop. I have to die. I have to…

What did you say?

I wish I were gone, I can’t answer you, I can’t find me.

Did you know babies can feel shame as early as 15 months?

If I stay really still…

Maybe I’ll turn to dust. Maybe this feeling will go away. Maybe I’ll disappear finally.

My therapist once asked me,

“When was the first time you experienced this feeling?”

and I answered,

“Forever.

I don’t remember a time when this was new.”

Did you know babies can experience shame as early as 15 months?